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On ships they call them barnacles in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Business
Presidents
Desks
Vice
Ships
Vices
Called
Call
Barnacles
President
Attach

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All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
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We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
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My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
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The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think- Ladies' Home JournalI'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four
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Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
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The average vice-president is a form of executive fungus that attaches itself to a desk. On a boat this growth would be called a barnacle.
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Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
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What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.
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A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.
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Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.
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When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as though the strings are still in the cat.
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The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners.
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My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.
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Radio is called a medium because it is rare that anything is well done.
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My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.
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Television is the triumph of machine over people.
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A comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal.
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