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A comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Comedian
Starts
Becomes
Audience
Talking
Fatal

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Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
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A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.
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The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.
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You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
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I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
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Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.
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Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
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Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.
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An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
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My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.
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Hush, little bright line, don’t you cry You’ll be a cliché by and by.
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The average vice-president is a form of executive fungus that attaches itself to a desk. On a boat this growth would be called a barnacle.
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Father Time is the make-up man responsible for the physical changes that determine the parts the average actor is to play.
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My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.
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A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
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With the advance of refrigeration, I hope that along with the frozen foods someday we will have frozen conversation. A person will be able to keep a frozen promise indefinitely.
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He's so small, he's a waste of skin.
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Radio is called a medium because it is rare that anything is well done.
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I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
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