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In show business, more showgirls are kept than promises.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Shows
Promises
Kept
Promise
Show
Business

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An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
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We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
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An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
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A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
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Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
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English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.
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During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk today we have small men enjoying big talk.
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Radio is called a medium because it is rare that anything is well done.
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Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
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What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.
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My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.
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Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
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The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think- Ladies' Home JournalI'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four
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California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
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Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
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A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it.
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
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The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners.
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A comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal.
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The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen