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All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Humor
Anything
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More quotes by Fred Allen

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The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners.
Fred Allen
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If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard- let him worry about cutting it.
Fred Allen
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My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
Fred Allen
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A comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal.
Fred Allen
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A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.
Fred Allen
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Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
Fred Allen
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A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
Fred Allen
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Hush, little bright line, don’t you cry You’ll be a cliché by and by.
Fred Allen
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The average vice-president is a form of executive fungus that attaches itself to a desk. On a boat this growth would be called a barnacle.
Fred Allen
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I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
Fred Allen
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My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.
Fred Allen
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Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
Fred Allen
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We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
Fred Allen
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Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.
Fred Allen
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In show business, more showgirls are kept than promises.
Fred Allen
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I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
Fred Allen
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Television is a triumph of equipment over people.
Fred Allen
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Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Fred Allen
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California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Fred Allen
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Hollywood is a great place if you're an orange.
Fred Allen