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All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Conversation
Humor
Anything

More quotes by Fred Allen

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A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.
Fred Allen
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My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
Fred Allen
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A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.
Fred Allen
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What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.
Fred Allen
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On ships they call them barnacles in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents.
Fred Allen
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An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
Fred Allen
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It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Fred Allen
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He's so small, he's a waste of skin.
Fred Allen
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In show business, more showgirls are kept than promises.
Fred Allen
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The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners.
Fred Allen
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He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
Fred Allen
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A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
Fred Allen
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Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
Fred Allen
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English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.
Fred Allen
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My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.
Fred Allen
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Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
Fred Allen
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Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.
Fred Allen
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Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.
Fred Allen
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Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.
Fred Allen
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen