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He's so small, he's a waste of skin.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Sarcastic
Skin
Skins
Waste
Small

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He always had a chip on his shoulder that he was ready to use to kindle an argument.
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If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard- let him worry about cutting it.
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
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The average vice-president is a form of executive fungus that attaches itself to a desk. On a boat this growth would be called a barnacle.
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Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
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Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
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Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
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An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
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My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
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What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.
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Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.
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An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
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English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.
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Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.
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When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as though the strings are still in the cat.
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It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.
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We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
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A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
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A comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal.
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I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
Fred Allen