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Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Wife
Station
Successful
Stations
Success
Sooner
Funny
Dealing
Kids
Drive
Ends
Police
Like
Later
Teaching

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California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
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The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.
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Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.
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Radio is called a medium because it is rare that anything is well done.
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Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
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Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
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He's so small, he's a waste of skin.
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There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.
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The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think- Ladies' Home JournalI'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four
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All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
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An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
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An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
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Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.
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You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
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Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
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A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
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He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
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He always had a chip on his shoulder that he was ready to use to kindle an argument.
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A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.
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