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Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Like
Later
Teaching
Wife
Station
Successful
Stations
Success
Sooner
Funny
Dealing
Kids
Drive
Ends
Police

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What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.
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The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think- Ladies' Home JournalI'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four
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A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it.
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My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.
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He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
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Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
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A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
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Television is the triumph of machine over people.
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Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
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He always had a chip on his shoulder that he was ready to use to kindle an argument.
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
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The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.
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All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
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On ships they call them barnacles in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents.
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In show business, more showgirls are kept than promises.
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The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners.
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Hush, little bright line, don’t you cry You’ll be a cliché by and by.
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