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Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Success
Sooner
Funny
Dealing
Kids
Drive
Ends
Police
Like
Later
Teaching
Wife
Station
Successful
Stations

More quotes by Fred Allen

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A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.
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The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.
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Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
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With the advance of refrigeration, I hope that along with the frozen foods someday we will have frozen conversation. A person will be able to keep a frozen promise indefinitely.
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The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think- Ladies' Home JournalI'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four
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He's so small, he's a waste of skin.
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An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
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Father Time is the make-up man responsible for the physical changes that determine the parts the average actor is to play.
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Radio is called a medium because it is rare that anything is well done.
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Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
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My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
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Hush, little bright line, don’t you cry You’ll be a cliché by and by.
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It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.
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You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
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Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
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In show business, more showgirls are kept than promises.
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During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk today we have small men enjoying big talk.
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Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
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English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.
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A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Fred Allen