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Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Successful
Stations
Success
Sooner
Funny
Dealing
Kids
Drive
Ends
Police
Like
Later
Teaching
Wife
Station

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The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners.
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All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
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My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.
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I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
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Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.
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A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
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The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
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A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.
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The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.
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Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
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A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
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Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
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Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
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An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
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A comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal.
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You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
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Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
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The average vice-president is a form of executive fungus that attaches itself to a desk. On a boat this growth would be called a barnacle.
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