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Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Comedy
Permit
Funny
Devices
Anything
Havens
People
Haven
Watches
Watch
Humor
Permits
Television
Device

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An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
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He always had a chip on his shoulder that he was ready to use to kindle an argument.
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A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
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In show business, more showgirls are kept than promises.
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Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.
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I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
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When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as though the strings are still in the cat.
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My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.
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My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.
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All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
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Hollywood is a great place if you're an orange.
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We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
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A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
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English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.
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Father Time is the make-up man responsible for the physical changes that determine the parts the average actor is to play.
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He's so small, he's a waste of skin.
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With the advance of refrigeration, I hope that along with the frozen foods someday we will have frozen conversation. A person will be able to keep a frozen promise indefinitely.
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Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
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My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
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A comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal.
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