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My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Alabama
Uncle
Uncles
Southern
Planter
Planters
Undertaker

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A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.
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A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
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He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
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We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
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In show business, more showgirls are kept than promises.
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A comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal.
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I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
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There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.
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I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
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California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
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An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
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Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.
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He's so small, he's a waste of skin.
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My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.
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What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.
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A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.
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Father Time is the make-up man responsible for the physical changes that determine the parts the average actor is to play.
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Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
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