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My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Southern
Planter
Planters
Undertaker
Alabama
Uncle
Uncles

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What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.
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Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.
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Hollywood is a great place if you're an orange.
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Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.
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Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.
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I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
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You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
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There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.
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Hush, little bright line, don’t you cry You’ll be a cliché by and by.
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English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.
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Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.
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Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
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Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
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The average vice-president is a form of executive fungus that attaches itself to a desk. On a boat this growth would be called a barnacle.
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A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
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With the advance of refrigeration, I hope that along with the frozen foods someday we will have frozen conversation. A person will be able to keep a frozen promise indefinitely.
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The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.
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The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners.
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He's so small, he's a waste of skin.
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An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
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