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I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Understand
Write
Favourite
Persons
Easily
Person
Dollars
Take
Novel
Writing
Belief
Years
Year
Funny

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Father Time is the make-up man responsible for the physical changes that determine the parts the average actor is to play.
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There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.
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On ships they call them barnacles in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents.
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A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it.
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A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.
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Radio is called a medium because it is rare that anything is well done.
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He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
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My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
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A comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal.
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Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
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What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.
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He always had a chip on his shoulder that he was ready to use to kindle an argument.
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Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.
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My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.
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Hollywood is a great place if you're an orange.
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My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.
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The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.
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Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.
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The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners.
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English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.
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