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Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Hollywood
Humor
Mistake
Stars
Funny
Place
People
Iowa

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We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
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What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.
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Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
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He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
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My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
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California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
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He's so small, he's a waste of skin.
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The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.
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In show business, more showgirls are kept than promises.
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You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
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A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it.
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My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.
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I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
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Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
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Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
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An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
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The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners.
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During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk today we have small men enjoying big talk.
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He always had a chip on his shoulder that he was ready to use to kindle an argument.
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The average vice-president is a form of executive fungus that attaches itself to a desk. On a boat this growth would be called a barnacle.
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