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An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Loses
Shirts
Either
List
Funny
Lists
Form
Income
Way
Dignity
Like
Taxes
Humor
Laundry
Lose
Shirt

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With the advance of refrigeration, I hope that along with the frozen foods someday we will have frozen conversation. A person will be able to keep a frozen promise indefinitely.
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My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.
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Television is the triumph of machine over people.
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We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
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A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
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All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
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Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
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Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
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During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk today we have small men enjoying big talk.
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My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
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Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
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If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard- let him worry about cutting it.
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The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners.
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Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.
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Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
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A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.
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A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.
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Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.
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Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.
Fred Allen