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An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Loses
Shirts
Either
List
Funny
Lists
Form
Income
Way
Dignity
Like
Taxes
Humor
Laundry
Lose
Shirt

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Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
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The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think- Ladies' Home JournalI'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four
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Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
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Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.
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With the advance of refrigeration, I hope that along with the frozen foods someday we will have frozen conversation. A person will be able to keep a frozen promise indefinitely.
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My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.
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There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.
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Television is the triumph of machine over people.
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A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.
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Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.
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He always had a chip on his shoulder that he was ready to use to kindle an argument.
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Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.
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The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.
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Hush, little bright line, don’t you cry You’ll be a cliché by and by.
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Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.
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We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
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A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
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I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
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Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
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Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
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