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An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Like
Taxes
Humor
Laundry
Lose
Shirt
Loses
Shirts
Either
List
Funny
Lists
Form
Income
Way
Dignity

More quotes by Fred Allen

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All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
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A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
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With the advance of refrigeration, I hope that along with the frozen foods someday we will have frozen conversation. A person will be able to keep a frozen promise indefinitely.
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Father Time is the make-up man responsible for the physical changes that determine the parts the average actor is to play.
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I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
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It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.
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An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
Fred Allen
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Television is a triumph of equipment over people.
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A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
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The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners.
Fred Allen
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The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think- Ladies' Home JournalI'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four
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In show business, more showgirls are kept than promises.
Fred Allen
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Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.
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Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.
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English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.
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He always had a chip on his shoulder that he was ready to use to kindle an argument.
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My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.
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Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.
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My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.
Fred Allen
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Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
Fred Allen