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An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Way
Dignity
Like
Taxes
Humor
Laundry
Lose
Shirt
Loses
Shirts
Either
List
Funny
Lists
Form
Income

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My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
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A comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal.
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We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
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You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
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I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
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An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
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There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.
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The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think- Ladies' Home JournalI'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
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English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.
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He always had a chip on his shoulder that he was ready to use to kindle an argument.
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The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners.
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A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
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Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
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Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.
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With the advance of refrigeration, I hope that along with the frozen foods someday we will have frozen conversation. A person will be able to keep a frozen promise indefinitely.
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Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.
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Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
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Television is a triumph of equipment over people.
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All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
Fred Allen