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An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Way
Dignity
Like
Taxes
Humor
Laundry
Lose
Shirt
Loses
Shirts
Either
List
Funny
Lists
Form
Income

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The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.
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He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
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A comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal.
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Television is a triumph of equipment over people.
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He's so small, he's a waste of skin.
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Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
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Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
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Radio is called a medium because it is rare that anything is well done.
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My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
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Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.
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We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
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On ships they call them barnacles in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents.
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A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.
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During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk today we have small men enjoying big talk.
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Hollywood is a great place if you're an orange.
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Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.
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A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
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What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.
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A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
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