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My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Humor
Hand
Funny
Father
Hands
Defense
Self
Raised
Children
Except
Never
Tears

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When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as though the strings are still in the cat.
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A comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal.
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Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
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Hush, little bright line, don’t you cry You’ll be a cliché by and by.
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Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.
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On ships they call them barnacles in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents.
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An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
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California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
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Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.
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Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.
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The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners.
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Television is a triumph of equipment over people.
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You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
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I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
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An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
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Television is the triumph of machine over people.
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During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk today we have small men enjoying big talk.
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The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.
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He always had a chip on his shoulder that he was ready to use to kindle an argument.
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The average vice-president is a form of executive fungus that attaches itself to a desk. On a boat this growth would be called a barnacle.
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