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My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Father
Hands
Defense
Self
Raised
Children
Except
Never
Tears
Humor
Hand
Funny

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Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
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Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
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If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard- let him worry about cutting it.
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Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
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A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.
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It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.
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English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.
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You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
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During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk today we have small men enjoying big talk.
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An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
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My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.
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He always had a chip on his shoulder that he was ready to use to kindle an argument.
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All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
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Hush, little bright line, don’t you cry You’ll be a cliché by and by.
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Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
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What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.
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We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
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Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
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The average vice-president is a form of executive fungus that attaches itself to a desk. On a boat this growth would be called a barnacle.
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An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
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