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My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Funny
Father
Hands
Defense
Self
Raised
Children
Except
Never
Tears
Humor
Hand

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All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
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Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
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What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.
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When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as though the strings are still in the cat.
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The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.
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He's so small, he's a waste of skin.
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Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.
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Father Time is the make-up man responsible for the physical changes that determine the parts the average actor is to play.
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A comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal.
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Radio is called a medium because it is rare that anything is well done.
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The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think- Ladies' Home JournalI'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four
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If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard- let him worry about cutting it.
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The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.
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I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
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With the advance of refrigeration, I hope that along with the frozen foods someday we will have frozen conversation. A person will be able to keep a frozen promise indefinitely.
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An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
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Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
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I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
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Television is the triumph of machine over people.
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
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