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My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Tears
Never
Humor
Hand
Funny
Father
Hands
Defense
Raised
Self
Except
Children

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The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.
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Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
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The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.
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He always had a chip on his shoulder that he was ready to use to kindle an argument.
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Radio is called a medium because it is rare that anything is well done.
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When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as though the strings are still in the cat.
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With the advance of refrigeration, I hope that along with the frozen foods someday we will have frozen conversation. A person will be able to keep a frozen promise indefinitely.
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Television is the triumph of machine over people.
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I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
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A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
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A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
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Hush, little bright line, don’t you cry You’ll be a cliché by and by.
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A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
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If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard- let him worry about cutting it.
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Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
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I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
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We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
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A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it.
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California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
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My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.
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