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California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Fine
Happen
Funny
Place
Orange
Happens
Stupidity
Live
California
Laughter

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The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners.
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The average vice-president is a form of executive fungus that attaches itself to a desk. On a boat this growth would be called a barnacle.
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A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.
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The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.
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It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.
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Father Time is the make-up man responsible for the physical changes that determine the parts the average actor is to play.
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A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
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My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.
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With the advance of refrigeration, I hope that along with the frozen foods someday we will have frozen conversation. A person will be able to keep a frozen promise indefinitely.
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
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Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
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Television is the triumph of machine over people.
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An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
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I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
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We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
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A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it.
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English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.
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All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
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What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.
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The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.
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