Quote

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?

Frank Carson

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Frank Carson
Age: 85 †
Born: 1926
Born: June 11
Died: 2012
Died: February 22
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Belfast
Ireland
Hugh Francis Carson
Last
July
Funny
Weeks
Two
Doctor
Live
Doctors
Humor
Told
Week
Lasts
August

More quotes by Frank Carson

Image
America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.
Frank Carson
Image
I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.
Frank Carson
Image
A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.
Frank Carson
Image
There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous.
Frank Carson
Image
I said to the waitress, There's a fly swimming in my soup. She said: You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle.
Frank Carson
Image
Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: Have a drink on me. The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.
Frank Carson
Image
Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.
Frank Carson
Image
I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: We are two hours late Mr Carson. When I asked why, she said: The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it.
Frank Carson
Image
I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.
Frank Carson
Image
There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: You can't eat your own food in here. So they swapped sandwiches.
Frank Carson
Image
I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: It takes four hours. I asked why and he said: It keeps turning off the gas.
Frank Carson
Image
There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.
Frank Carson
Image
My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.
Frank Carson
Image
A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. Oh dear, she says, Not the breathalyser again.
Frank Carson
Image
I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside made around the corner.
Frank Carson
Image
I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.
Frank Carson
Image
I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.
Frank Carson
Image
This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.
Frank Carson
Image
My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.
Frank Carson
Image
A man walks into a pet shop and says: Give me a wasp. The shopkeeper replies: We don't sell wasps. He says: There's one in the window.
Frank Carson