Quote

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?

Frank Carson

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Frank Carson
Age: 85 †
Born: 1926
Born: June 11
Died: 2012
Died: February 22
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Belfast
Ireland
Hugh Francis Carson
Humor
Told
Week
Lasts
August
Last
July
Funny
Weeks
Two
Doctor
Live
Doctors

More quotes by Frank Carson

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I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside made around the corner.
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My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.
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I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: We are two hours late Mr Carson. When I asked why, she said: The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it.
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People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads it is ridiculous.
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I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
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My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.
Frank Carson
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A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.
Frank Carson
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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: What have you brought? He said: I brought a pair of knickers. They asked: What has that got to do with Christmas? He said They're Carol's.
Frank Carson
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Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen.
Frank Carson
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I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: It takes four hours. I asked why and he said: It keeps turning off the gas.
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What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
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Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.
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I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.
Frank Carson
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A man says to his mate: My wife is a twin. His mate says, How do you tell them apart? The man says: Her brother has a beard.
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I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.
Frank Carson
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Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!
Frank Carson
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I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.
Frank Carson
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A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. Oh dear, she says, Not the breathalyser again.
Frank Carson
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I said to the waitress, There's a fly swimming in my soup. She said: You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle.
Frank Carson
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My wife went into the butchers and said: You've a sheep's head in your window. The butcher said: That's a mirror.
Frank Carson