Quote

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?

Frank Carson

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Frank Carson
Age: 85 †
Born: 1926
Born: June 11
Died: 2012
Died: February 22
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Belfast
Ireland
Hugh Francis Carson
Two
Doctor
Live
Doctors
Humor
Told
Week
Lasts
August
Last
July
Funny
Weeks

More quotes by Frank Carson

Image
America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.
Frank Carson
Image
This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.
Frank Carson
Image
I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.
Frank Carson
Image
I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: We are two hours late Mr Carson. When I asked why, she said: The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it.
Frank Carson
Image
My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.
Frank Carson
Image
What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Frank Carson
Image
There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: You can't eat your own food in here. So they swapped sandwiches.
Frank Carson
Image
Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.
Frank Carson
Image
I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.
Frank Carson
Image
My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.
Frank Carson
Image
There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.
Frank Carson
Image
A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. Oh dear, she says, Not the breathalyser again.
Frank Carson
Image
I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.
Frank Carson
Image
My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.
Frank Carson
Image
I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.
Frank Carson
Image
Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!
Frank Carson
Image
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: What have you brought? He said: I brought a pair of knickers. They asked: What has that got to do with Christmas? He said They're Carol's.
Frank Carson
Image
I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside made around the corner.
Frank Carson
Image
I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: Have you a good memory for faces? I asked why and she said: Because there isn't a mirror up there.
Frank Carson
Image
The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.
Frank Carson