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Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?
Frank Carson
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Frank Carson
Age: 85 †
Born: 1926
Born: June 11
Died: 2012
Died: February 22
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Belfast
Ireland
Hugh Francis Carson
Humor
Waiting
Funny
Irish
Month
List
Abortion
Lists
Months
More quotes by Frank Carson
Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?
Frank Carson
I said to the waitress, There's a fly swimming in my soup. She said: You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle.
Frank Carson
A man walks into a pet shop and says: Give me a wasp. The shopkeeper replies: We don't sell wasps. He says: There's one in the window.
Frank Carson
I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.
Frank Carson
I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.
Frank Carson
Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen.
Frank Carson
A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.
Frank Carson
I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.
Frank Carson
Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: Have a drink on me. The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.
Frank Carson
The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.
Frank Carson
I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.
Frank Carson
America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.
Frank Carson
I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: We are two hours late Mr Carson. When I asked why, she said: The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it.
Frank Carson
There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: You can't eat your own food in here. So they swapped sandwiches.
Frank Carson
I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: It takes four hours. I asked why and he said: It keeps turning off the gas.
Frank Carson
People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads it is ridiculous.
Frank Carson
My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.
Frank Carson
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: What have you brought? He said: I brought a pair of knickers. They asked: What has that got to do with Christmas? He said They're Carol's.
Frank Carson
Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.
Frank Carson
I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.
Frank Carson
