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A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. Oh dear, she says, Not the breathalyser again.
Frank Carson
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Frank Carson
Age: 85 †
Born: 1926
Born: June 11
Died: 2012
Died: February 22
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Belfast
Ireland
Hugh Francis Carson
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Says
Rounds
Policemen
Sides
Dear
Winds
Funny
Road
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Bridget
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Officers
Undoing
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Traffic
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Sister
Speeding
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Officer
More quotes by Frank Carson
Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?
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I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.
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Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.
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Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen.
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I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside made around the corner.
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There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: You can't eat your own food in here. So they swapped sandwiches.
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Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: Have a drink on me. The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.
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Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?
Frank Carson
My wife went into the butchers and said: You've a sheep's head in your window. The butcher said: That's a mirror.
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I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.
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My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.
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I said to the waitress, There's a fly swimming in my soup. She said: You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle.
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My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.
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I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.
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A man says to his mate: My wife is a twin. His mate says, How do you tell them apart? The man says: Her brother has a beard.
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My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.
Frank Carson
I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.
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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: What have you brought? He said: I brought a pair of knickers. They asked: What has that got to do with Christmas? He said They're Carol's.
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America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.
Frank Carson
This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.
Frank Carson