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A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. Oh dear, she says, Not the breathalyser again.
Frank Carson
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Frank Carson
Age: 85 †
Born: 1926
Born: June 11
Died: 2012
Died: February 22
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Belfast
Ireland
Hugh Francis Carson
Says
Rounds
Policemen
Sides
Dear
Winds
Funny
Road
Stops
Bridget
Window
Officers
Undoing
Wind
Traffic
Policeman
Humor
Sister
Speeding
Walks
Starts
Officer
Side
Round
Pulls
More quotes by Frank Carson
The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.
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Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: Have a drink on me. The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.
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There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous.
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I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.
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Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!
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This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.
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Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?
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I said to the waitress, There's a fly swimming in my soup. She said: You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle.
Frank Carson
I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.
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I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.
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I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.
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A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.
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Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?
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What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
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I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: We are two hours late Mr Carson. When I asked why, she said: The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it.
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I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.
Frank Carson
I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.
Frank Carson
Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.
Frank Carson
There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.
Frank Carson
My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.
Frank Carson