Quote

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

Frank Carson

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Frank Carson
Age: 85 †
Born: 1926
Born: June 11
Died: 2012
Died: February 22
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Belfast
Ireland
Hugh Francis Carson
Night
Lamps
Wells
Played
Well
Humor
Every
Wonderful
Oiled
Years
Year
Wick
Lasts
Aladdin
Last
Sack
Funny
Lamp

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My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.
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I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside made around the corner.
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I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.
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Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
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The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.
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What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
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People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads it is ridiculous.
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A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.
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I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.
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There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.
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A man walks into a pet shop and says: Give me a wasp. The shopkeeper replies: We don't sell wasps. He says: There's one in the window.
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I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: We are two hours late Mr Carson. When I asked why, she said: The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it.
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I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: Have you a good memory for faces? I asked why and she said: Because there isn't a mirror up there.
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I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
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A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. Oh dear, she says, Not the breathalyser again.
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Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!
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Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.
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A man says to his mate: My wife is a twin. His mate says, How do you tell them apart? The man says: Her brother has a beard.
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I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: It takes four hours. I asked why and he said: It keeps turning off the gas.
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