Quote

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

Frank Carson

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Frank Carson
Age: 85 †
Born: 1926
Born: June 11
Died: 2012
Died: February 22
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Belfast
Ireland
Hugh Francis Carson
Well
Humor
Every
Wonderful
Oiled
Years
Year
Wick
Lasts
Aladdin
Last
Sack
Funny
Lamp
Night
Lamps
Wells
Played

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Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!
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Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
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Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: Have a drink on me. The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.
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A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. Oh dear, she says, Not the breathalyser again.
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This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.
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Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.
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I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
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My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.
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My wife went into the butchers and said: You've a sheep's head in your window. The butcher said: That's a mirror.
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America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.
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I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: Have you a good memory for faces? I asked why and she said: Because there isn't a mirror up there.
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I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside made around the corner.
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A man says to his mate: My wife is a twin. His mate says, How do you tell them apart? The man says: Her brother has a beard.
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I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: We are two hours late Mr Carson. When I asked why, she said: The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it.
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There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: You can't eat your own food in here. So they swapped sandwiches.
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Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?
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I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: It takes four hours. I asked why and he said: It keeps turning off the gas.
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A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.
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Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.
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I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.
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