Quote

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

Frank Carson

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Frank Carson
Age: 85 †
Born: 1926
Born: June 11
Died: 2012
Died: February 22
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Belfast
Ireland
Hugh Francis Carson
Night
Lamps
Wells
Played
Well
Humor
Every
Wonderful
Oiled
Years
Year
Wick
Lasts
Aladdin
Last
Sack
Funny
Lamp

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Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?
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I said to the waitress, There's a fly swimming in my soup. She said: You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle.
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I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.
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Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: Have a drink on me. The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.
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My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.
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I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: Have you a good memory for faces? I asked why and she said: Because there isn't a mirror up there.
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I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: It takes four hours. I asked why and he said: It keeps turning off the gas.
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I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: We are two hours late Mr Carson. When I asked why, she said: The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it.
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I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.
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There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.
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Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!
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Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen.
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There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: You can't eat your own food in here. So they swapped sandwiches.
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I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside made around the corner.
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A man walks into a pet shop and says: Give me a wasp. The shopkeeper replies: We don't sell wasps. He says: There's one in the window.
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A man says to his mate: My wife is a twin. His mate says, How do you tell them apart? The man says: Her brother has a beard.
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My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.
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I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
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There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous.
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This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.
Frank Carson