Quote

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

Frank Carson

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Frank Carson
Age: 85 †
Born: 1926
Born: June 11
Died: 2012
Died: February 22
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Belfast
Ireland
Hugh Francis Carson
Night
Lamps
Wells
Played
Humor
Well
Wonderful
Oiled
Every
Year
Wick
Years
Lasts
Aladdin
Last
Sack
Funny
Lamp

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Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: Have a drink on me. The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.
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I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.
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I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: We are two hours late Mr Carson. When I asked why, she said: The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it.
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Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen.
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There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.
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There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous.
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I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside made around the corner.
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Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?
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This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.
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I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
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Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.
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America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.
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Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?
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My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.
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People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads it is ridiculous.
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My wife went into the butchers and said: You've a sheep's head in your window. The butcher said: That's a mirror.
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A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.
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I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.
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The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.
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There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: You can't eat your own food in here. So they swapped sandwiches.
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