Quote

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

Frank Carson

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Frank Carson
Age: 85 †
Born: 1926
Born: June 11
Died: 2012
Died: February 22
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Belfast
Ireland
Hugh Francis Carson
Wells
Played
Well
Humor
Every
Wonderful
Oiled
Years
Year
Wick
Lasts
Aladdin
Last
Sack
Funny
Lamp
Night
Lamps

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Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.
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America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.
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My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.
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Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: Have a drink on me. The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.
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This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.
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I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.
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Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.
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I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: It takes four hours. I asked why and he said: It keeps turning off the gas.
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I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.
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A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. Oh dear, she says, Not the breathalyser again.
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A man walks into a pet shop and says: Give me a wasp. The shopkeeper replies: We don't sell wasps. He says: There's one in the window.
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People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads it is ridiculous.
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Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?
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I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
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I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.
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There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous.
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My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.
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I said to the waitress, There's a fly swimming in my soup. She said: You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle.
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Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
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I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.
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