Quote

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

Frank Carson

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Frank Carson
Age: 85 †
Born: 1926
Born: June 11
Died: 2012
Died: February 22
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Belfast
Ireland
Hugh Francis Carson
Doors
Time
Humor
Funny
Doesn
Pacemakers
Wells
Fart
Garage
Well
Opens
Work
Door
Every

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What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
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Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
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A man says to his mate: My wife is a twin. His mate says, How do you tell them apart? The man says: Her brother has a beard.
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There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous.
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My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.
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I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: Have you a good memory for faces? I asked why and she said: Because there isn't a mirror up there.
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My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.
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The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.
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I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.
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My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.
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This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.
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I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.
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A man walks into a pet shop and says: Give me a wasp. The shopkeeper replies: We don't sell wasps. He says: There's one in the window.
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I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.
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Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.
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Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.
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I said to the waitress, There's a fly swimming in my soup. She said: You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle.
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Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!
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America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.
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A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.
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