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I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.
Frank Carson
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Frank Carson
Age: 85 †
Born: 1926
Born: June 11
Died: 2012
Died: February 22
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Belfast
Ireland
Hugh Francis Carson
Work
Opens
Every
Door
Time
Doors
Humor
Funny
Doesn
Pacemakers
Wells
Fart
Well
Garage
More quotes by Frank Carson
My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.
Frank Carson
I said to the waitress, There's a fly swimming in my soup. She said: You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle.
Frank Carson
I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside made around the corner.
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I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.
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A man walks into a pet shop and says: Give me a wasp. The shopkeeper replies: We don't sell wasps. He says: There's one in the window.
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People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads it is ridiculous.
Frank Carson
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: What have you brought? He said: I brought a pair of knickers. They asked: What has that got to do with Christmas? He said They're Carol's.
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My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.
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Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?
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This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.
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A man says to his mate: My wife is a twin. His mate says, How do you tell them apart? The man says: Her brother has a beard.
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My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.
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I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.
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I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: It takes four hours. I asked why and he said: It keeps turning off the gas.
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The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.
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Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.
Frank Carson
I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: Have you a good memory for faces? I asked why and she said: Because there isn't a mirror up there.
Frank Carson
I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.
Frank Carson
I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.
Frank Carson
Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.
Frank Carson