Quote

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

Frank Carson

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Frank Carson
Age: 85 †
Born: 1926
Born: June 11
Died: 2012
Died: February 22
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Belfast
Ireland
Hugh Francis Carson
Time
Doors
Humor
Funny
Doesn
Pacemakers
Wells
Fart
Well
Garage
Work
Opens
Every
Door

More quotes by Frank Carson

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My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.
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Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: Have a drink on me. The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.
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I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.
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Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
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People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads it is ridiculous.
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I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside made around the corner.
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I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.
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There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.
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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: What have you brought? He said: I brought a pair of knickers. They asked: What has that got to do with Christmas? He said They're Carol's.
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This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.
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Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?
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My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.
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I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: It takes four hours. I asked why and he said: It keeps turning off the gas.
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I said to the waitress, There's a fly swimming in my soup. She said: You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle.
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My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.
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A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.
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Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen.
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A man walks into a pet shop and says: Give me a wasp. The shopkeeper replies: We don't sell wasps. He says: There's one in the window.
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I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.
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A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. Oh dear, she says, Not the breathalyser again.
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