Quote

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

Frank Carson

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Frank Carson
Age: 85 †
Born: 1926
Born: June 11
Died: 2012
Died: February 22
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Belfast
Ireland
Hugh Francis Carson
Humor
Funny
Doesn
Pacemakers
Wells
Fart
Well
Garage
Work
Opens
Every
Door
Time
Doors

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America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.
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I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: It takes four hours. I asked why and he said: It keeps turning off the gas.
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My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.
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There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.
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My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.
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I said to the waitress, There's a fly swimming in my soup. She said: You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle.
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Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.
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Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.
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I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.
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Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!
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I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.
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There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: You can't eat your own food in here. So they swapped sandwiches.
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A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.
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I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: Have you a good memory for faces? I asked why and she said: Because there isn't a mirror up there.
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I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.
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Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen.
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A man says to his mate: My wife is a twin. His mate says, How do you tell them apart? The man says: Her brother has a beard.
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What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
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I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.
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Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?
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