Quote

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

Frank Carson

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Frank Carson
Age: 85 †
Born: 1926
Born: June 11
Died: 2012
Died: February 22
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Belfast
Ireland
Hugh Francis Carson
Funny
Doesn
Pacemakers
Wells
Fart
Well
Garage
Work
Opens
Every
Door
Time
Doors
Humor

More quotes by Frank Carson

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A man walks into a pet shop and says: Give me a wasp. The shopkeeper replies: We don't sell wasps. He says: There's one in the window.
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What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
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I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.
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My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.
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Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?
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There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: You can't eat your own food in here. So they swapped sandwiches.
Frank Carson
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A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.
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My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.
Frank Carson
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I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: It takes four hours. I asked why and he said: It keeps turning off the gas.
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Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen.
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America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.
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I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: We are two hours late Mr Carson. When I asked why, she said: The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it.
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Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.
Frank Carson
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Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?
Frank Carson
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People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads it is ridiculous.
Frank Carson
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I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.
Frank Carson
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There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.
Frank Carson
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There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous.
Frank Carson
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Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!
Frank Carson
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This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.
Frank Carson