Quote

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

Frank Carson

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Frank Carson
Age: 85 †
Born: 1926
Born: June 11
Died: 2012
Died: February 22
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Belfast
Ireland
Hugh Francis Carson
Work
Opens
Every
Door
Time
Doors
Humor
Funny
Doesn
Pacemakers
Wells
Fart
Well
Garage

More quotes by Frank Carson

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A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.
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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: What have you brought? He said: I brought a pair of knickers. They asked: What has that got to do with Christmas? He said They're Carol's.
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I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: It takes four hours. I asked why and he said: It keeps turning off the gas.
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My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.
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There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.
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I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: We are two hours late Mr Carson. When I asked why, she said: The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it.
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A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. Oh dear, she says, Not the breathalyser again.
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I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.
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Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.
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A man says to his mate: My wife is a twin. His mate says, How do you tell them apart? The man says: Her brother has a beard.
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Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen.
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My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.
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Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?
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I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside made around the corner.
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I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
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I said to the waitress, There's a fly swimming in my soup. She said: You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle.
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I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.
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What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
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People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads it is ridiculous.
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Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: Have a drink on me. The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.
Frank Carson