Quote

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: It takes four hours. I asked why and he said: It keeps turning off the gas.

Frank Carson

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Frank Carson
Age: 85 †
Born: 1926
Born: June 11
Died: 2012
Died: February 22
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Belfast
Ireland
Hugh Francis Carson
Went
Gas
Four
Restaurants
Hours
Turning
Funny
Keeps
East
Octopus
Asked
Waiter
Humor
Ordered
Takes
Restaurant

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I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: Have you a good memory for faces? I asked why and she said: Because there isn't a mirror up there.
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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: What have you brought? He said: I brought a pair of knickers. They asked: What has that got to do with Christmas? He said They're Carol's.
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A man says to his mate: My wife is a twin. His mate says, How do you tell them apart? The man says: Her brother has a beard.
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Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: Have a drink on me. The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.
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Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!
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Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?
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There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: You can't eat your own food in here. So they swapped sandwiches.
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A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. Oh dear, she says, Not the breathalyser again.
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I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.
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People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads it is ridiculous.
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Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.
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My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.
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A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.
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My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.
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I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: We are two hours late Mr Carson. When I asked why, she said: The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it.
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Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen.
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What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
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A man walks into a pet shop and says: Give me a wasp. The shopkeeper replies: We don't sell wasps. He says: There's one in the window.
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I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.
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I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.
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