Quote

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: It takes four hours. I asked why and he said: It keeps turning off the gas.

Frank Carson

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Frank Carson
Age: 85 †
Born: 1926
Born: June 11
Died: 2012
Died: February 22
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Belfast
Ireland
Hugh Francis Carson
Hours
Turning
Funny
Keeps
East
Octopus
Asked
Waiter
Humor
Ordered
Takes
Restaurant
Went
Gas
Four
Restaurants

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There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.
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A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. Oh dear, she says, Not the breathalyser again.
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I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.
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I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.
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This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.
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Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!
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Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?
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Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: Have a drink on me. The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.
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Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.
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I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
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My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.
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I said to the waitress, There's a fly swimming in my soup. She said: You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle.
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The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.
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I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: Have you a good memory for faces? I asked why and she said: Because there isn't a mirror up there.
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A man says to his mate: My wife is a twin. His mate says, How do you tell them apart? The man says: Her brother has a beard.
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My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.
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I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.
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I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.
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There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: You can't eat your own food in here. So they swapped sandwiches.
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