Quote

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: It takes four hours. I asked why and he said: It keeps turning off the gas.

Frank Carson

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Frank Carson
Age: 85 †
Born: 1926
Born: June 11
Died: 2012
Died: February 22
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Belfast
Ireland
Hugh Francis Carson
Funny
Keeps
East
Octopus
Asked
Waiter
Humor
Ordered
Takes
Restaurant
Went
Gas
Four
Restaurants
Hours
Turning

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I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: We are two hours late Mr Carson. When I asked why, she said: The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it.
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Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?
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I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.
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My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.
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Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: Have a drink on me. The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.
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A man says to his mate: My wife is a twin. His mate says, How do you tell them apart? The man says: Her brother has a beard.
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A man walks into a pet shop and says: Give me a wasp. The shopkeeper replies: We don't sell wasps. He says: There's one in the window.
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I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.
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There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: You can't eat your own food in here. So they swapped sandwiches.
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There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous.
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I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.
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There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.
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America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.
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Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.
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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: What have you brought? He said: I brought a pair of knickers. They asked: What has that got to do with Christmas? He said They're Carol's.
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I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: Have you a good memory for faces? I asked why and she said: Because there isn't a mirror up there.
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What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
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The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.
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