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I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: It takes four hours. I asked why and he said: It keeps turning off the gas.
Frank Carson
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Frank Carson
Age: 85 †
Born: 1926
Born: June 11
Died: 2012
Died: February 22
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Belfast
Ireland
Hugh Francis Carson
East
Octopus
Asked
Waiter
Humor
Ordered
Takes
Restaurant
Went
Gas
Four
Restaurants
Hours
Turning
Funny
Keeps
More quotes by Frank Carson
Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?
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Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: Have a drink on me. The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.
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Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen.
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I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside made around the corner.
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A man walks into a pet shop and says: Give me a wasp. The shopkeeper replies: We don't sell wasps. He says: There's one in the window.
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America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.
Frank Carson
A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. Oh dear, she says, Not the breathalyser again.
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There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: You can't eat your own food in here. So they swapped sandwiches.
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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: What have you brought? He said: I brought a pair of knickers. They asked: What has that got to do with Christmas? He said They're Carol's.
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My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.
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My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.
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My wife went into the butchers and said: You've a sheep's head in your window. The butcher said: That's a mirror.
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This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.
Frank Carson
I said to the waitress, There's a fly swimming in my soup. She said: You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle.
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The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.
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I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.
Frank Carson
Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.
Frank Carson
I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.
Frank Carson
What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Frank Carson
I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.
Frank Carson
