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There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous.
Frank Carson
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Frank Carson
Age: 85 †
Born: 1926
Born: June 11
Died: 2012
Died: February 22
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Belfast
Ireland
Hugh Francis Carson
Sitting
Asked
Room
Humor
Rooms
Titanic
Funny
Dining
Men
Ice
Ridiculous
More quotes by Frank Carson
Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?
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What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
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Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.
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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: What have you brought? He said: I brought a pair of knickers. They asked: What has that got to do with Christmas? He said They're Carol's.
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A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. Oh dear, she says, Not the breathalyser again.
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I said to the waitress, There's a fly swimming in my soup. She said: You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle.
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Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!
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I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
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I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.
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There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: You can't eat your own food in here. So they swapped sandwiches.
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My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.
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People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads it is ridiculous.
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My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.
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I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: It takes four hours. I asked why and he said: It keeps turning off the gas.
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My wife went into the butchers and said: You've a sheep's head in your window. The butcher said: That's a mirror.
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America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.
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Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: Have a drink on me. The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.
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Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen.
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I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: We are two hours late Mr Carson. When I asked why, she said: The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it.
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I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.
Frank Carson
