Quote

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: You can't eat your own food in here. So they swapped sandwiches.

Frank Carson

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Frank Carson
Age: 85 †
Born: 1926
Born: June 11
Died: 2012
Died: February 22
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Belfast
Ireland
Hugh Francis Carson
Pubs
Sandwiches
Eating
Humor
Food
Funny
Swapped
Two
Irishmen
Landlord

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I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.
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I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.
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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: What have you brought? He said: I brought a pair of knickers. They asked: What has that got to do with Christmas? He said They're Carol's.
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People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads it is ridiculous.
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Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.
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What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
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There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.
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Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.
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I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.
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This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.
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I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: Have you a good memory for faces? I asked why and she said: Because there isn't a mirror up there.
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There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous.
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A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.
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America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.
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A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. Oh dear, she says, Not the breathalyser again.
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I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: We are two hours late Mr Carson. When I asked why, she said: The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it.
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I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.
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I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: It takes four hours. I asked why and he said: It keeps turning off the gas.
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A man walks into a pet shop and says: Give me a wasp. The shopkeeper replies: We don't sell wasps. He says: There's one in the window.
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My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.
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