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I wish that real estate were cheaper and clothes were more expensive.

Fran Lebowitz

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Fran Lebowitz
Age: 74
Born: 1950
Born: October 27
Author
Humorist
Journalist
Orator
Writer
Morristown
NJ
Frances Ann Lebowitz
Robert Paine Cook
Estate
Cheaper
Expensive
Clothes
Wish
Real

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Writers have problems writing sex scenes, because writing one really well is pornography.
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A great many people in Los Angeles are on special diets that restrict their intake of synthetic foods. The reason for this appears to be a widely held belief that organically grown fruits and vegetables make the cocaine work faster.
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To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.
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There are some great writers who are great talkers, but there are more great writers who are not great talkers. People seem to think there is some connection between talking and writing, but I love to talk and if there were some connection between the two of them I would be the most prolific writer in the history of the world.
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The other day I read that last year 58 million tourists came to New York ... where a puny eight million people are trying to live. Unless they own a hotel chain, I don't think a single one of these eight million people are happy about this.
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You can be nasty when you are young, but you really have to be older to achieve bitterness.
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I write a sentence a thousand times, changing it all the time to look at it in different ways.
Fran Lebowitz
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What people don't know is: Clothes don't really fit you unless they're made for you. Especially when you wear men's clothes, like I do. American women think that clothes fit them if they can fit into them. But that's not at all what fit means.
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When I fly, I'm never afraid the plane is going to crash. But there have often been times when I was afraid it wouldn't crash. I was just afraid it was going to circle O'Hare for the rest of my life.
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Marriage entitles women to the protection of a strong man who will steady the stepladder while they paint the kitchen ceiling.
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London: A place you go to get bronchitis.
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In Rome people spend most of their time having lunch. And they do it very well - Rome is unquestionably the lunch capital of the world.
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When someone asks, 'Why do you think he's not calling me?' there's always one answer - 'He's not interested.' There's not ever any other answer.
Fran Lebowitz
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A community is a butcher and a doctor, a minister, a town troublemaker. A community is not a bunch of people united by some grievance. That's just self-righteousness - incredibly dangerous and antidemocratic.
Fran Lebowitz
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[On not reading newspapers:] If something important happens, your mother calls you.
Fran Lebowitz
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Japanese food is very pretty and undoubtedly a suitable cuisine in Japan, which is largely populated by people of below average size. Hostesses hell-bent on serving such food to occidentals would be well advised to supplement it with something more substantial and to keep in mind that almost everybody likes french fries.
Fran Lebowitz
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Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
Fran Lebowitz
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Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
Fran Lebowitz
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New York was always more expensive than any other place in the United States, but you could live in New York - and by New York, I mean Manhattan. Brooklyn was the borough of grandparents. We didn't live well. We lived in these horrible places. But you could live in New York. And you didn't have to think about money every second.
Fran Lebowitz
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We live in a culture where everyone is perfectly willing to do this [to make a lot of money], and they're just looking for the opportunity. Obviously, a person who is really dumb is not gonna make a zillion dollars. But for a person who is really smart, really smart, it's a boring pursuit. It's not endlessly fascinating.
Fran Lebowitz