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I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.

Felipe Esparza

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Felipe Esparza
Age: 48
Born: 1976
Born: June 11
Actor
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Estado de Sinaloa
Packages
Fired
Car
Used
Work

More quotes by Felipe Esparza

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I also had a stuttering problem. In a Mexican home they don't give you speech therapy they don't even know what speech therapy is. They just get the belt. If there's a parrot in the house, you better talk better than the parrot.
Felipe Esparza
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According to my local hip-hop station everyone has garnish wages, child support, liens and wants to buy or rent rims. Ya Heard!
Felipe Esparza
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You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.
Felipe Esparza
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Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut.
Felipe Esparza
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My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.
Felipe Esparza
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I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.
Felipe Esparza
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You write some material, go up on stage and try it out go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.
Felipe Esparza
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I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because when he hit us, he didn't really hit us.
Felipe Esparza
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The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.
Felipe Esparza
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I hate when comedians use Performed For The Troops as one of there credits before they go up on stage.
Felipe Esparza
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Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.
Felipe Esparza
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I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.
Felipe Esparza
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I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall.
Felipe Esparza
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I didn't know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That's what I learned. I didn't know how to put a set together.
Felipe Esparza
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I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.
Felipe Esparza
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A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day.
Felipe Esparza
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Why go to France when you can smell the same people in coffee shops here in America.
Felipe Esparza
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I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody.
Felipe Esparza
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I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.
Felipe Esparza