Quote

A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day.

Felipe Esparza

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Felipe Esparza
Age: 48
Born: 1976
Born: June 11
Actor
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Estado de Sinaloa
Quotes
Dead
Woman
Real
Needs
Men

More quotes by Felipe Esparza

Image
I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because when he hit us, he didn't really hit us.
Felipe Esparza
Image
I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.
Felipe Esparza
Image
Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.
Felipe Esparza
Image
According to my local hip-hop station everyone has garnish wages, child support, liens and wants to buy or rent rims. Ya Heard!
Felipe Esparza
Image
Why go to France when you can smell the same people in coffee shops here in America.
Felipe Esparza
Image
I also had a stuttering problem. In a Mexican home they don't give you speech therapy they don't even know what speech therapy is. They just get the belt. If there's a parrot in the house, you better talk better than the parrot.
Felipe Esparza
Image
You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.
Felipe Esparza
Image
I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.
Felipe Esparza
Image
I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody.
Felipe Esparza
Image
The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.
Felipe Esparza
Image
I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.
Felipe Esparza
Image
I didn't know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That's what I learned. I didn't know how to put a set together.
Felipe Esparza
Image
I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall.
Felipe Esparza
Image
I hate when comedians use Performed For The Troops as one of there credits before they go up on stage.
Felipe Esparza
Image
I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.
Felipe Esparza
Image
I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.
Felipe Esparza
Image
You write some material, go up on stage and try it out go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.
Felipe Esparza
Image
My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.
Felipe Esparza
Image
Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut.
Felipe Esparza