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I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall.

Felipe Esparza

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Felipe Esparza
Age: 48
Born: 1976
Born: June 11
Actor
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Estado de Sinaloa
Free
May
Samples
Best
Mall
Sample
Malls
Dad
Son
Taught

More quotes by Felipe Esparza

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The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.
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I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.
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I also had a stuttering problem. In a Mexican home they don't give you speech therapy they don't even know what speech therapy is. They just get the belt. If there's a parrot in the house, you better talk better than the parrot.
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Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut.
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A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day.
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Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.
Felipe Esparza
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I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.
Felipe Esparza
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You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.
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You write some material, go up on stage and try it out go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.
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I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because when he hit us, he didn't really hit us.
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I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.
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I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody.
Felipe Esparza
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I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.
Felipe Esparza
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I didn't know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That's what I learned. I didn't know how to put a set together.
Felipe Esparza
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I hate when comedians use Performed For The Troops as one of there credits before they go up on stage.
Felipe Esparza
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I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.
Felipe Esparza
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According to my local hip-hop station everyone has garnish wages, child support, liens and wants to buy or rent rims. Ya Heard!
Felipe Esparza
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Why go to France when you can smell the same people in coffee shops here in America.
Felipe Esparza
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My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.
Felipe Esparza