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I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.

Eugene Mirman

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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Away
Emphasize
Toss
Truly
Word

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To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.
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There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to give you a new deal.' And then, over a period of years, she structures her sex acts in such a way that they save the economy.
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The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I'm sure now there'd be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.
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The truth is, for however much my stories come out of things that have happened to me, they're not darkly or as deeply personal as someone like Marc Maron or a lot of comedians, but they are essentially my life and my interpretation of it.
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Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?
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If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.
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You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
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I spent the day today at Brighton Beach, walking around. It's a Russian/Jewish neighborhood. And I was in a store and I saw a board game called 'Let My People Go,' based on the Jews' exodus from Egypt. I was like, 'Too soon.
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If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.
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What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.
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On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.
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You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?
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I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.
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Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?
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It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
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Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.
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I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like it is for a rock band.
Eugene Mirman
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I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'
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The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.
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What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.
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