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Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?
Eugene Mirman
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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Jerk
Roof
Town
Towns
Street
Okay
Streets
Building
Tallest
More quotes by Eugene Mirman
On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.
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You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
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What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.
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For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually, I was like, Oh no. It's absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view.
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If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.
Eugene Mirman
To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.
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In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.
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Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.
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School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other... but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful.
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There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to give you a new deal.' And then, over a period of years, she structures her sex acts in such a way that they save the economy.
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Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?
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Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?
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What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.
Eugene Mirman
Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.
Eugene Mirman
People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, yeah, that's not really comedy.
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Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.
Eugene Mirman
It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
Eugene Mirman
I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.
Eugene Mirman
You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.
Eugene Mirman
