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Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.

Eugene Mirman

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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Called
Introduce
Laboratory
Introducing
Hello
Fake
Evening
Comedy
Eugene
Special
Underground

More quotes by Eugene Mirman

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What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.
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You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
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I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.
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On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.
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I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
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It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
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Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?
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Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?
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I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.
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There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to give you a new deal.' And then, over a period of years, she structures her sex acts in such a way that they save the economy.
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Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It's just us flexing our Semitic muscles.
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I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like it is for a rock band.
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The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I'm sure now there'd be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.
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I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I'm a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.
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A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.
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Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.
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What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.
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School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other... but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful.
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The truth is, for however much my stories come out of things that have happened to me, they're not darkly or as deeply personal as someone like Marc Maron or a lot of comedians, but they are essentially my life and my interpretation of it.
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Try not to wake up on fire.
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