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Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.

Eugene Mirman

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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Comedy
Eugene
Special
Underground
Called
Introduce
Laboratory
Introducing
Hello
Fake
Evening

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One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.
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Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.
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Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.
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Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.
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On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.
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Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.
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Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?
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For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually, I was like, Oh no. It's absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view.
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The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.
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In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.
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Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?
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If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.
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You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
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Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.
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I like the idea of being sort of withdrawn and mysterious, and what can be more mysterious that someone wearing a trash bag, like a dark trash bag, with eye holes that say nihilism? You'd be curious. What's underneath that? Is it perfect? Or is it broken?
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What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.
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I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.
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I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I'm a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.
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I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.
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You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?
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