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Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.
Eugene Mirman
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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Special
Underground
Called
Introduce
Laboratory
Introducing
Hello
Fake
Evening
Comedy
Eugene
More quotes by Eugene Mirman
Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?
Eugene Mirman
I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.
Eugene Mirman
What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.
Eugene Mirman
You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.
Eugene Mirman
To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.
Eugene Mirman
A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.
Eugene Mirman
There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to give you a new deal.' And then, over a period of years, she structures her sex acts in such a way that they save the economy.
Eugene Mirman
Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It's just us flexing our Semitic muscles.
Eugene Mirman
I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.
Eugene Mirman
I like the idea of being sort of withdrawn and mysterious, and what can be more mysterious that someone wearing a trash bag, like a dark trash bag, with eye holes that say nihilism? You'd be curious. What's underneath that? Is it perfect? Or is it broken?
Eugene Mirman
I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'
Eugene Mirman
You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
Eugene Mirman
School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other... but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful.
Eugene Mirman
God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger's.
Eugene Mirman
Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?
Eugene Mirman
Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?
Eugene Mirman
I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
Eugene Mirman
You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?
Eugene Mirman
I spent the day today at Brighton Beach, walking around. It's a Russian/Jewish neighborhood. And I was in a store and I saw a board game called 'Let My People Go,' based on the Jews' exodus from Egypt. I was like, 'Too soon.
Eugene Mirman
The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I'm sure now there'd be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.
Eugene Mirman
