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I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I'm a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.
Eugene Mirman
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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Happens
Persons
Diversification
Person
Paranoid
Believe
Ruined
Things
Slightly
Never
Income
Time
Thinks
Thinking
Happen
More quotes by Eugene Mirman
Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.
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Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?
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In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.
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Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.
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One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.
Eugene Mirman
Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.
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I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
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School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other... but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful.
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Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?
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It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
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You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?
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The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.
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There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to give you a new deal.' And then, over a period of years, she structures her sex acts in such a way that they save the economy.
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Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?
Eugene Mirman
You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.
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Try not to wake up on fire.
Eugene Mirman
You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
Eugene Mirman
Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.
Eugene Mirman
I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.
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