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I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I'm a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.

Eugene Mirman

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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Things
Slightly
Never
Income
Time
Thinks
Thinking
Happen
Happens
Persons
Diversification
Person
Paranoid
Believe
Ruined

More quotes by Eugene Mirman

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I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.
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A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.
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Some tips for life: 1.Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, unless your dreams are stupid. 2.Be kind to people. 3.Don't get too excited when you read the Fountainhead 4.In times of recession, it is time for invention. 5.Things can kill you, so keep that in mind, you fearless know it alls.
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To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.
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What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.
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The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I'm sure now there'd be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.
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If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.
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For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually, I was like, Oh no. It's absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view.
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People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, yeah, that's not really comedy.
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If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.
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You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.
Eugene Mirman
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I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'
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Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.
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There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to give you a new deal.' And then, over a period of years, she structures her sex acts in such a way that they save the economy.
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Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.
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School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other... but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful.
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What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.
Eugene Mirman
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Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?
Eugene Mirman
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You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
Eugene Mirman
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Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.
Eugene Mirman