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I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I'm a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.

Eugene Mirman

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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Thinking
Happen
Happens
Persons
Diversification
Person
Paranoid
Believe
Ruined
Things
Slightly
Never
Income
Time
Thinks

More quotes by Eugene Mirman

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School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other... but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful.
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Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?
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If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.
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Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.
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You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?
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Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It's just us flexing our Semitic muscles.
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It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
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In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.
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Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.
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I spent the day today at Brighton Beach, walking around. It's a Russian/Jewish neighborhood. And I was in a store and I saw a board game called 'Let My People Go,' based on the Jews' exodus from Egypt. I was like, 'Too soon.
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You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.
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I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like it is for a rock band.
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To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.
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Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.
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Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?
Eugene Mirman
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People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, yeah, that's not really comedy.
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The truth is, for however much my stories come out of things that have happened to me, they're not darkly or as deeply personal as someone like Marc Maron or a lot of comedians, but they are essentially my life and my interpretation of it.
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If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.
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Some tips for life: 1.Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, unless your dreams are stupid. 2.Be kind to people. 3.Don't get too excited when you read the Fountainhead 4.In times of recession, it is time for invention. 5.Things can kill you, so keep that in mind, you fearless know it alls.
Eugene Mirman
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Try not to wake up on fire.
Eugene Mirman