Quote

I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I'm a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.

Eugene Mirman

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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Things
Slightly
Never
Income
Time
Thinks
Thinking
Happen
Happens
Persons
Diversification
Person
Paranoid
Believe
Ruined

More quotes by Eugene Mirman

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Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It's just us flexing our Semitic muscles.
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Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.
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The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.
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Try not to wake up on fire.
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Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?
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Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?
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The truth is, for however much my stories come out of things that have happened to me, they're not darkly or as deeply personal as someone like Marc Maron or a lot of comedians, but they are essentially my life and my interpretation of it.
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What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.
Eugene Mirman
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What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.
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Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.
Eugene Mirman
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It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
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To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.
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On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.
Eugene Mirman
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God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger's.
Eugene Mirman
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I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
Eugene Mirman
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The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I'm sure now there'd be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.
Eugene Mirman
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I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'
Eugene Mirman
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I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.
Eugene Mirman
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I spent the day today at Brighton Beach, walking around. It's a Russian/Jewish neighborhood. And I was in a store and I saw a board game called 'Let My People Go,' based on the Jews' exodus from Egypt. I was like, 'Too soon.
Eugene Mirman
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For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually, I was like, Oh no. It's absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view.
Eugene Mirman