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You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.
Eugene Mirman
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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Make
Jewish
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Information
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Sarcastically
Animal
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Girl
Rude
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More quotes by Eugene Mirman
It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
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Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.
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Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?
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What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.
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Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.
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What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.
Eugene Mirman
You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
Eugene Mirman
I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
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Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.
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Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.
Eugene Mirman
I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.
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Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.
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Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.
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If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.
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The truth is, for however much my stories come out of things that have happened to me, they're not darkly or as deeply personal as someone like Marc Maron or a lot of comedians, but they are essentially my life and my interpretation of it.
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A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.
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I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'
Eugene Mirman
I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I'm a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.
Eugene Mirman
I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.
Eugene Mirman
Try not to wake up on fire.
Eugene Mirman