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You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.

Eugene Mirman

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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Like
Decided
Information
Went
Sarcastically
Animal
Random
Girl
Rude
Sense
Date
Made
Dating
Make
Jewish

More quotes by Eugene Mirman

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To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.
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I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I'm a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.
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The truth is, for however much my stories come out of things that have happened to me, they're not darkly or as deeply personal as someone like Marc Maron or a lot of comedians, but they are essentially my life and my interpretation of it.
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I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.
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Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.
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Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It's just us flexing our Semitic muscles.
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In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.
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You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?
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I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.
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It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
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Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?
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You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
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Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.
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Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.
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I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.
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God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger's.
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For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually, I was like, Oh no. It's absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view.
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Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.
Eugene Mirman
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A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.
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Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.
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